Strengths and Weaknesses

My roommate is starting to pack her suitcases tonight. The semester ends in two weeks. Not sure if I am ready to see all my semester-long friends leave yet, nor am I willing to face the fact that I am halfway over with my time here in Korea!

Even if it is not me packing, it still pains me to know that my friends who are only here for one semester are starting to pack up their lives in order to step onto a plan to take them back to the reality that we all left behind in August when we left our home countries to come here to this magical and foreign place that we have called home for five months so far. 

My roommate packing symbolizes the passing of time for me here.  I had gotten into a comfortable lull while being here for so long. I have now have routines, I am comfortable with the flow and pace of the city--I am able to dance to the beat of Seoul and not feel out of place like I did when I first arrived. Dare I say that this place is starting to feel like home to me now, much like how I see Sewanee as my home as well?  This realization has also opened my eyes to the fact that I too am going to be leaving at the end of next semester. I too will be packing up my clothes, my life that I have created here in Seoul in to two suitcases and one duffel bag and stepping on to a plane to take me back to the States were I will have to re-familiarize myself to the beat of Charlotte, to Sewanee.

I am growing here in ways that even I can't explain, maybe later when I reflect back on my time here or from others when I see them again, but I am being changed by the city here. I hate having to face the reality that this is all temporary, that I can pack my life away into three bags and just jump onto a plane knowing that I may not have the opportunity to visit this magical place again in the near future. It makes every friendship, every experience that I am creating all the more special and important. 

I guess the true strength and self awareness that people talk about gaining while they are studying abroad is the ability to realize that the experience is temporary, yet it leaves a lasting impression on your soul and continues to resonate in your life for years to come. 

When I lived in Europe I got a small sense of home and connection to the country from being surrounded by the Grolier family that I lived with for the summer. Leaving Belgium and France hurt in that I knew that I was leaving behind a small part of myself and taking a piece of the country with me in my new found confidence in speaking the language. I was proficient in French to the point that I could talk to others in their native language and know what they were saying. On that exchange I became stronger in the way that I came back more confident in my abilities to reach out to others of different cultures. I came back from that trip having found my passion for languages, travel, and learning about other cultures.

I have been here for 5 months and am having my confidence that I found in Belgium tested. I have been thrown back into the beginning levels of a new language and am having to relive the first few years of my French training ( that I barred from my memory because they were that challenging and difficult) in the few months that I have been learning Korean. I am having my ability to adapt to different cultures (again skill I learned while in Belgium) being tested everyday that I leave the dorms; having to force myself not to jump when I hear the sound of a delivery scooter blasting its horn for me to move out of his way on the sidewalk; being able to understand what people ask me in Korean, but not knowing how to reply so remaining silent and letting them think that I don't understand; having to get used to the stares of the older Koreans on the subways and the streets because I am a pierced and tall foreigner ( I know they are staring because of curiosity and not malice, but it still a little off putting...).

I am being tested on this trip, much like I was in Belgium. And as I have been writing this Momo (my roommate) has already finished packing one of her bags. Maybe it is the lateness of the hour (I always get more dramatic at night) or the poetic writer in me rising up form her dormant sleep, but I can't not see it as a metaphor for the packing and closing of my first half of my year long adventure here in Seoul. As she leaves the room, leaving the other suitcase open and empty save for a few articles of clothing, I take that as the metaphor for the second half of this trip to begin.

One semester is already over and with it my learning chances. I had wrote before that I am not sure what I am really taking away from this semester until I think back on these times later, maybe while I am sitting in a class in Walsh-Ellot starting out onto the Central quad while my professor goes on about some political puzzle between two countries, but one this that I do know about this semester is that I have grown. I have also come to appreciate and become thankful for the years that I have put into French to get to the point that I am at today. 

Because having to go through the beginning of learning a new language is very difficult, no matter the language. And having to go through it again is hard enough, the only thing that is helping soften the blows is the fact that because I took French before, I am able to appreciate the mile stones more and know the timeline that I am falling on; the first time I understood a question, the first time I was able to write a simple sentence without needing the textbook, the moment were I was able to understand a line of dialogue in a drama--in a song, the time that I was able to read the chalk board in class and know what we were going to be talking about before the teacher opened her mouth, listing and following the chatter between a mother and child on the subway. All these moment are all the more sweeter because I know where they are on the time line of me becoming conversational in a language.

I am now at the point where I am becoming frustrated with not having the vocabulary and grammatical ability to respond. I want to speak, I want to talk to my Korean friends in Korean and not have to have them speak in English all the time, I want to be able to tell the girl on the subway that I really like her shoes and that I want to know where she got them, I want to tell the couple at the pizza shop that they are adorable together and that I wish that they stay happy together for a long time. I was not at this point in French until my fourth year. I went to Belgium in my sixth year.

This semester is coming to a close in a few weeks. After exams end on the 20th, all the semester long students are expected to move out of the dorms on the 22nd. And with the passing of the semester, my frustrations and nerves grow. I am nervous to what is coming my way in the new semester and over the break, but at the same time I am frustrated in my Korean ability that I am looking forward to the new semester and the chance it will bring for improving my Korean. I want my Belgium moment here in Korea, where i get over my insecurities and am able to communicate.

So as Momo packs, I am wondering what strengths she has gained here in Korea and what  understandings she is going to take back home with her. What will I take back at the end of the year, have I already found my new strength, is it on its way, or will I even get it here during my stay or will it come when I land back on American soil at eh end of my adventure?